recently, I've come to the realization that I've always been an outcast, in some capacity. I've always been a lonely child, no more than a few friends ever. My life has been known by loniness, but I have grown used to it.

In what I remember of my preschool life, I never really had any friends. I tried to make some, but I was always rejected. It hurt me, I wanted to make friends, yet I couldn't. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, and to be honest, I still don't quite know, but I have no purpose now, nor the memories remaining, to figure that out. I know I've always been a weird child, I feel like I've been acutely aware of that fact for a while now.

Elementary school was slightly better. I made a few friends, some of them moved away, others, we simply drifted apart. After school, up until sometime in 2nd grade, I went to an afterschool daycare (I don't know how to describe it besides that). I had a single true friend there, but we ended up growing apart, and she ended up moving away at some point, from what I can remember. I interacted with the older kids quite a bit at one point in time, but they probably didn't think of me at as one of them.

6th grade was hell, to be competely honest. Some kid started something based off of the Cheese Touch (if you know what that is), and I became a true social outcast. All of my friendships crumbled through my hands, and I was left to sit alone at recess, on an old patch of dirt in the back of the playground.

At this point, I feel like my mental health was at rock bottom. I was nothing more than some stupid weirdo to everyone, and I was a target of quite a bit of bullying. I genuinely wanted to kill myself, I felt like a useless piece of shit. My reputation was in ruin, and a majority of my social life was from school, so I felt like my reputation there was everything. People scoote away from me, sneered at me, most never wanted to approch me, all because of one fucker who happened to get his sick kicks from my misery.

Middle school was a mild improvement, though I suspect that my populatity was manufactured. I made a few friends, one of which I'm still relatively close with, but most of the popular girls seemed to want to interact with me. I never really liked it, my own self-esteem was low enough to make me think they were faking their admeration. I was probably just some spectical, I was a wierd kid who spent their free time doodling and drawing away. Somehow, in 8th grade, I won the title of "dance queen" at a kind of send-off school dance for the 8th graders. It was a dysphoria hell, to be honest, earning that title when I was already beginning to socially transition.

8th grade passed, and now I'm here, on a weekend writing about my realization for all of you to see. I'm doing better, for the most part, though that bar is in the deepest depths of hell. High school has most of the people already apart of their cliques, and I'm kind of in there, a marching band and orchestra kid, though that is also a wide neck. I have some friends, I'm in a pretty good place, it's nice.

So yeah, that's basically my random epipheny from when I was with my dad heading home from a local Bookman's.